It’s Valentine’s Day and while you’re with your significant other, friends, cats, or just yourself, these are six movies you should probably stay away from:
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
If you want to enjoy Valentine’s day in its full glory, you should avoid Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind at all costs. Unless, of course, you enjoy watching a relationship steadily dwindle inside someone’s mind to be light-hearted and romantic and wanting to run back to your ex. Or erase them. Or, in the case of this movie, both.
The idea of a dude falling in love with our pal, or for some arch-enemy, Siri is something we can just accept. But as the movie goes on the sadder it gets. As the plot progresses, you begin to wonder if you too could be lonely enough to want to create relationship with an advanced form of Amazon’s Alexa and do you really want to find out the answer to that question? But then you realize that even a computer program tailor-made for your life doesn’t even make for a good partner because you can never know when it’s sneaking off to chat with the ghost of Alan Watts.
3. Celeste and Jesse Forever.
“Divorce romances” of any kind should be avoided on Valentine’s Day…obviously. You really want Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones to stay together since they’re at their most charming. But seeing how their relationship was actually holding them back is a sad reminder that not even the best relationship is necessarily meant to last. Leave this one for February 15.
4. The Fault in Our Stars.
Like love? Like relationships? Sick kids finding happiness and meaning to their unfortunate lives? The Fault in Our Stars thinks that it’s the cutest thing that anybody could ever watch. They think it’s SO cute that the movie even serves you a big plate of the things you love—romance, fulfilled wishes and the glimmering hope of youthful joy—and then you get a kick in the face. Unless you enjoy crying so hard your eyes swell shut, I’d avoid it.
5. Moulin Rouge
It literally begins with “the girl I loved is dead.” Next.
6. Gone Girl
If you’re spending V-Day with your significant other…don’t watch Gone Girl. You both will lay awake that night, together but disconnected. You’ll second guess everything you thought you knew about your partner. If you’re single, the film will straight up ruin marriage for you. Just save it for another day.
Save you and whomever you spend Valentine’s Day with the trouble… and just watch The Notebook.