The Candor

Live Commentary of Justin Bieber’s Roast

By Reem Ibrahim

Photo: Wikipedia

The roast of Justin Bieber has been hyped for a while now, but I won’t lie. I’ve been so excited to sit down in front of my television screen and watch grown adults bash on Justin Bieber. I wish he’d just stop growing his hair out. Did his mother lie to him? It looks so bad. Okay, here goes. The roasting is about to begin and I’m SO excited.

Kevin Hart is such a hilarious host and some of the people who are getting ready to roast on Justin Bieber are so random, like why is Martha Stewart there. Please, don’t disappoint us. Do us all a favor and roast Justin Bieber because not all of us have the honor of being there and doing it ourselves. Oh my god. There goes the Selena Gomez jokes, man, this is going to be a long night for the Biebs. I’m looking forward to Ludacris’ roast since him and Justin made ‘Baby’ together so I’m ready to cry. Justin Bieber’s face throughout his jokes is priceless. Ludacris’ joke about Martha Stewart’s wrinkly face is making me die and Kevin Hart is only sitting in the corner laughing. That would be me. Kevin Hart is literally me. My mom is sitting next to me and completely ignoring the fact that everyone is dumping on Justin Bieber’s life and is instead, focused more on the fact that he’s gotten a lot taller.

My favorite joke by far is, “Snoop, you look like Shaq’s skeleton.” I’ve never noticed that until now, he really does look like Shaq’s skeleton. Justin looks so absolutely done with this woman speaking and I don’t even remember her name. She must not be important then. Shaq’s roast is making me cry. His joke, “Justin Bieber was ranked the 5th most hated person in the world. Kim Jung Un wasn’t even voted that high.” The fact I agreed to write an article for this was clearly the greatest decision in my life. Okay, I’m satisfied. Thank you, Martha Stewart. You did an outstanding job and that was all I ever needed in my life. I didn’t know that was something I needed until I experienced.

Overall, I’ve watched a few better Roasts before. For example, The Roast of James Franco was hilarious because half the time they made fun of his eyes and his sexuality. The Roast of Justin Bieber had its moments, though. I definitely won’t say I wasted my time but I feel like maybe Justin Bieber did because I don’t know how I’d be able to sleep after having my life crapped on so badly. Kudos to you Justin Bieber, you’re still terrible.

I was going to end it at that but then Ron Burgundy came out and he deserves a spot in this article. His entrance was the highlight of this entire thing. I mean, he literally threw a cigarette at Justin Bieber then managed to blow the crowd away with his perfection. All hail the Anchorman. Okay, but Justin Bieber’s public apology was a little cute so he has some of my respect back. I can finally pull my Justin Bieber shirt out from under my bed that I’ve hidden for years.