The Candor

If I Had a Superpower

by Nick Loconsole
Entertainment Columnist

Photo Credit: Google Images

If I could pick a super power to have, it would without a doubt have to be the ability to control the weather. Now I’m not just saying this because we live in such a volatile weather environment here in Chicago, I would have a blast just messing with people given this new found power.
At first my life wouldn’t be too different, I would still go to school, go to work, and socialize with people. I wouldn’t use my powers very much. Do you realize how awesome it is just knowing you control the weather? At least five times throughout the day I would be walking down the street thinking “I’m the man and I’m going to make it rain on someone.” Now in this particular context I don’t mean the same “making it rain” that those ruffians used to rap about in 2009. I mean something far more sinister, I would precipitate on everyone. Newspapers wouldn’t know what to do. I would don a supervillain persona and kickass name to go along with it. Headlines would read “Precipitator strikes again!” or “All hail Precipitator!” Get it…cause ya know, hail…precipitation…I’ll see myself out.
I know what you’re thinking, am I going to have a costume? The answer is no, it isn’t as if I can fly around or something like that. I would dress as I normally do, the only difference is I would wear socks that wick away moisture. If I plan on leaving puddles everywhere I need to plan ahead.
Ultimately my downfall would be a rather anti-climactic one; I would probably be arrested or shot. In true movie fashion I would let myself get caught and then cause a massive snow storm. The snow would be so heavy the roof of the jail would collapse and I would escape.
As I’m typing this I just had a thought. I can control the weather but I am not immune to it, this sucks. I can’t fly; I can’t do anything to prevent myself from having to deal with the weather I cause to happen. Damn. I have now realized the error of my ways; it isn’t polite to make people sweaty in January. The Precipitator is no more, his reign (rain) of terror is now over, but his fingerprints shall remain all over a gentleman’s club where he did in fact make it rain.